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Move over Erasmus, forget about “gap yah” funding—Britain’s hottest new scheme is paying people to leave. Yep, while ordinary taxpayers wrestle with potholes the size of kiddie pools and NHS waiting times longer than your gran’s Netflix queue, the government has decided to dish out up to £3,000 for anyone who fancies packing up and saying, “cheerio, Blighty!”
🧳 The Great British Goodbye Grant
You couldn’t make it up: civil servants who swear there’s no cash for school dinners suddenly have a magic money tree for deportation incentives. Want to upgrade your suitcase? Done. Need a comfy flight home with a complimentary gin and tonic? Sorted. The pitch is simple: Britain pays you to never darken Heathrow’s doorstep again.
It’s like a loyalty card, except instead of free coffee, you get a one-way ticket out of the country and a fat envelope of taxpayer cash. And here’s the kicker: the rest of us still have to pay £14 for a limp Pret sandwich and the privilege of delayed trains.
Imagine explaining this to someone who just shelled out £2,000 for their kid’s university accommodation:
- “Where’s your housing grant?”
- “Oh sorry, that went to Dave from Doncaster who decided Albania looked sunnier this time of year.” ☀️
The whole thing reads less like immigration policy and more like a cashback promotion for quitting Britain. “Spend a few years here, collect your free money, and head home richer than when you arrived.” It’s Brexit Airlines with a complimentary taxpayer-funded upgrade.
🔥 Challenges 🔥
Why is the government acting like an overgenerous travel agent with our cash? Should we all start applying for the “Deportation Deluxe” package just to cover our winter heating bills? Drop your wildest, angriest, or funniest take in the blog comments. 💬🔥
👇 Smash that comment button, roast the policy, tag a mate who’d sign up, and share this satire before it gets means-tested.
The sharpest rants will make it into the next issue of the magazine. 📝💥
Chameleon Magazine 
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