Chameleon Magazine

 Kirstie Allsopp, queen of cushion-fluffing and aspirational real estate TV, has pronounced the UK housing market officially deceased. According to her, the market hasn’t just slowed — it’s flatlined, courtesy of tax speculation scaring off buyers. Translation: even the middle classes who once bid wars over broom cupboards are now ghosting estate agents like a bad Tinder date.

🏚️ From Location, Location, Location to Stagnation, Stagnation, Stagnation

Apparently, no one’s buying because they’re spooked by whispers of higher property taxes. So instead of champagne-fuelled house viewings, we’ve got tumbleweed drifting through Rightmove listings. The “British dream” of homeownership is now less a dream, more a hallucinatory fever you wake from in your overpriced rental flat.

Allsopp’s lament carries a delicious irony: the same system that inflated property into a rich person’s lottery ticket is now being “killed” by the idea that owners might actually have to contribute more in tax. Oh, the horror. What next? Council tax bills based on actual house values rather than Victorian guesstimates?

💸 The Buyers Have Left the Building

Once, property TV presenters sold hope: a fixer-upper, a hidden gem, a mortgage if you skipped avocado toast. Now, the market is so knackered that even Kirstie sounds like she’s reading the eulogy. But don’t worry — she’ll still be around to tell millennials why it’s their own fault for not buying when houses were “only” three times the average salary, back in 1999.

🔥 Challenges 🔥

Is the property market really “dead,” or just having a very long nap while landlords collect rent like vampires collecting blood? 🧛‍♂️ Should buyers celebrate a collapse, or is this just another reminder that the housing ladder has no bottom rung anymore?

Drop your sarcasm, your despair, or your “I live with six flatmates and a cat” stories in the comments. 💬🔥

👇 Comment, like, share — let’s give the property market the wake it deserves.

The sharpest and funniest takes will be featured in the next issue of the magazine. 🎯📝