Chameleon Magazine

(A Satirical Field Manual for Men with Selective Hearing)

By the time you hear these phrases, my brother, it’s already too late. The trap has been baited with scented candles and emotional ambiguity. Proceed only if you enjoy chaos wrapped in lip gloss.

1️⃣ “I’m not really looking for anything serious right now.”

Translation: I want the benefits of a boyfriend without the admin.

She’ll borrow your hoodie, call you “babe” in public, and still introduce you to her friends as “my friend Steve.”

You’ll find yourself fixing her Wi-Fi and her self-esteem.

Advice: Do not pass go. Do not text “no worries 😊.” RUN. 🏃

2️⃣ “You’re such a good listener.”

Ah yes — the friend-zone’s national anthem. She’s rehearsing this line while you nod like an unpaid therapist. Every story ends with another man’s name.

Soon you’ll be the guy who brings snacks to her breakup-crying sessions.

Advice: The moment she says this, fake a phone call from your mum and vanish into the fog. RUN. 🏃

3️⃣ “I just need to work on myself right now.”

Sounds noble, right? Wrong. Translation: You’re not the homework I’m trying to finish.

She’ll “work on herself” by dating someone else with worse grammar and a bigger car.

You’ll still be sending her mindfulness quotes.

Advice: Do not offer to be her life coach. RUN. 🏃

4️⃣ “I’m not sure what we are.”

If you hear this after three months, two holidays, and a shared Netflix account, congratulations — you are officially her “situationship.”

You pay the subscription; she watches other options.

Advice: Delete the playlist you made together and RUN 🏃 before she says, “Let’s not ruin what we have.”

5️⃣ “You’re different from other guys I’ve dated.”

Oh, you think that’s a compliment? Cute.

It’s actually the opening line to a PowerPoint titled Reasons I’m About to Emotionally Disassemble You.

She’ll use your difference as the control sample in her next relationship experiment.

Advice: Be flattered, then be gone. RUN. 🏃

6️⃣ “Let’s just see where it goes.”

Where it goes, my friend, is nowhere with great urgency.

This is romantic purgatory: one suitcase in your flat, one on standby for Ibiza.

You’ll spend six months “seeing where it goes” until you see her tagged in Mykonos with “someone from work.”

Advice: GPS not required. RUN. 🏃

7️⃣ “I’m not like other girls.”

She’s right — she’s a limited-edition emotional rollercoaster.

There will be laughter, tears, existential debates at 2 a.m., and at least one crystal that “repels negative energy” (aka you).

By the time you realize she’s exactly like other girls, only louder, she’s already rebranding you as “a learning experience.”

Advice: Bow respectfully, thank her for the spiritual awakening, and RUN. 🏃

💡 Final Word

Not all women are like this — just the ones who make the dating apps feel like psychological escape rooms.

So stay calm, stay kind, but when these phrases start flying faster than compliments at brunch, remember: the universe isn’t testing your patience… it’s testing your ability to RUN. 🏃🏃🏃

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