Chameleon Magazine

 💃🏴Ross King’s jiggly journey on Strictly Come Dancing has come to a merciful, glitter-dusted end — proving once and for all that not even sequins can save a clodhopper in Cuban heels.

💀 The Highland Fling… Straight Into Elimination

There was no mystery, no drama, and definitely no rhythm. When Ross King took to the floor, it looked less like the samba and more like someone trying to stomp out a fire in brogues. And while Shirley Ballas got fussy with EastEnders star Balvinder Sopal, you could tell the judges had already sharpened their glittery axes.

But let’s face it — Strictly has a long, bruised history with men north of Hadrian’s Wall trying to cha-cha their way into the nation’s hearts… and failing with spectacular tartan-clad clumsiness.

So in honour of Ross King’s last dance (and possibly the BBC’s carpet cleaner), here are:

🕺 5 Brutal Reasons Why Scotsmen Should Not Go Onto Dance Shows

1. Unless there are a couple of swords under their feet, they have no chance of making those feet twinkle

If it’s not a traditional sword dance, it’s just flailing. The Highland instinct is “stab and skip,” not “step and swivel.”

2. Have you ever tried dancing in a bog in the middle of winter?

Exactly. That’s the kind of muscle memory we’re dealing with — every move on the ballroom floor is subconsciously bracing for hypothermia and midges.

3. The fact that they are wearing kilts most of the time restricted the Highland fling

Sure, kilts are iconic — but when your outfit is one gust of wind away from national scandal, you’re not exactly throwing yourself into the jive.

4. Unless you get rid of that sporran, you’re likely to drop all your money — and we all know how tight a Scotsman can be

One loose tango turn and whoosh — coins, dignity, and ancestral pride scattered across the floor. Disaster.

5. We just don’t want to see Sean Connery energy doing the Charleston

There’s only so much damage one culture can take. Let’s protect our elders and keep them off the glitter runway.

💣 Challenges 💣

Why do Scots keep getting suckered into the sequined slaughterhouse of reality TV dance shows? National pride? Agent blackmail? Is this England’s final revenge? We need your theories, grievances, or better yet — a full Highland Reel of GIFs and rage. 🧨💂‍♀️

👇 Hit comment, hit like, hit share.

The best roasts, reels, or tartan trauma tales will be featured in the next issue of the magazine. 💥📝