Just when you thought the biggest threat to your festive feast was Aunt Carol’s underseasoned roasties, along comes the avian apocalypse. That’s right — bird flu is back, and it’s gunning straight for your centrepiece. The humble turkey is now the feathered equivalent of toilet paper in 2020: scarce, expensive, and absurdly overvalued.
😷 Pandemic of the Turkies : Stuffed Before They Even Hit the Oven
The headlines read like poultry horror fiction: mass culls, empty supermarket shelves, and panicked parents whispering “maybe we do salmon this year?” across the Waitrose aisles. Prices are skyrocketing faster than a goose in a wind tunnel, and meanwhile, the surviving turkeys are living on borrowed time — pampered like Kardashians in a bunker.
This isn’t just a supply chain issue. This is a crisis of national identity. What is Britain without its beige, overcooked centrepiece drowning in gravy and family tension?
Farmers are flapping. Retailers are sweating. The government, naturally, suggests “just eat chicken” — proving once again they’ve never met a grandma who’s already bought a novelty turkey hat and is willing to throw hands in Tesco.
And before you say, “It’s just a bird,” remember: this is the UK. We staged a three-day national mourning for a 96-year-old woman. You think we won’t spiral into emotional collapse over a missing turkey?
What’s next — artificial intelligence carving virtual turkeys via Zoom while your nan eats beans on toast in a paper crown?
Brace yourselves. The only thing stuffed this Christmas might be your wallet.
🔥 Challenges 🔥
What’s your backup plan for a turkey-free Christmas? Going vegan? Deep-frying a potato shaped like a bird? Let us know in the comments — because someone needs to document this culinary collapse. 🧠🦃💥
👇 Hit comment, hit like, hit share. Or just gobble about your feelings below.
The wittiest, wildest responses will be featured in the next issue of the mag. 🎯📝
Chameleon Magazine 
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