🇨🇳🚰Just when you thought Britain had run out of things to outsource, someone floats the idea of handing our water supply to China. Yes, the same China accused of hacking parliament, eyeing telecoms, and muscling into universities… might now get the keys to the nation’s taps.
🫧 The Great British Water Sale (Now With Extra Surveillance)
Imagine this: You’re boiling a kettle in Bromley. Beijing blinks. Now you’re rationing water like it’s a Mad Max reboot directed by Xi Jinping.
This isn’t dystopian fiction — it’s Thames Water, buried under £14 billion in debt, circling the plughole.
And because nothing says “national security” like auctioning critical infrastructure to authoritarian states, it’s no surprise a Chinese-linked fund is circling.
Why not let a foreign power with form in cyberespionage and diplomatic bullying own your taps, sewers, and flood defences?
What could possibly go wrong?
Just a little bit of hydration hegemony. 💦🕵️♂️
🏮 From Water Boards to Waterlords
Thames Water — once a public utility, now a financial casino.
Years of dividend splurging, private equity pillaging, and pipes older than Charles III’s coronation plates… and what’s left? A barely functioning monopoly up for grabs by foreign bidders.
Now ministers are thinking about blocking it.
Which is like calmly reading the recipe for an extinguisher while your kitchen’s on fire.
Because let’s be honest — if Beijing-controlled investors own even a sip of the UK’s water supply, the real question isn’t “Will they turn off the taps?”
It’s:
🔹 “Will we need permission to flush the loo?”
🔹 “Will critical water data be streamed to the CCP in 4K?”
🔹 “Will Thames Water be renamed ‘Xi’s Wet Works’?”
🐼 Ministerial Warnings or Diplomatic Theatre?
The government is now saying, “Don’t worry, we’ll intervene.”
Yes. Just like we intervened with energy. And steel. And microchips.
Because our track record of post-crisis regulation is as watertight as a colander in a rainstorm. ☔🫣
And remember: China doesn’t need to launch an invasion — they just wait until a British company tanks, then buy it for pennies while we argue about football VAR.
🧨 Challenges 🧨
Who decided that the nation’s water supply was fair game for hostile takeovers?
What else are we auctioning off next — rainfall? British fog? The Thames itself?
💬 Should China get to own what comes out of your tap? Or should we stop handing over national lifelines like it’s a car boot sale?
👇 Sound off in the comments. Share your thoughts before the faucet runs dry.
The best rants and satire will soak their way into the next magazine issue. 🌊📢
Chameleon Magazine 
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