“I dont think I will go into work today!” – “ Its not a real job anyway” “ I think I will go in for the subsidised dinner”.
🛋️👑Welcome to Britain’s most relaxed workplace—where the only thing more comfortable than the chairs is the job description (which, by the way, doesn’t exist). The House of Lords is less a legislative chamber and more a retirement spa for the politically connected. While you hustle through meetings and performance reviews, they’re perfecting the ancient art of strategic loitering.
🍷The Art of Doing Nothing—and Getting Paid for It
Imagine clocking in for ten minutes, pretending to care about a debate you haven’t read, then disappearing faster than your will to live during a Monday morning meeting. Now imagine getting £300 for that performance. Tax-free. That’s the daily routine for many members of the House of Lords—Britain’s answer to “what if job security was a royal inheritance?”
No deadlines. No KPIs. No risk of being fired—because, of course, it’s a job for life. You don’t even need to be conscious, just present enough to sign in and make eye contact with a colleague or chandelier. And if you only turn up three times a year? That’s not called absenteeism, dear commoner—that’s “selective engagement.”
Meanwhile, ordinary Brits are getting browbeaten by MPs, ministers, and morning talk shows to “do more,” “be more productive,” and “adapt or perish.” Nurses are burned out, teachers are quitting in droves, and entire industries are on life support. But up in the red chamber? A hearty “hear, hear” after lunch and a glass of Merlot counts as a full day’s grind. 🍷📜
🧘 A Workplace So Chill It Makes Yogis Look Uptight
Let’s call it what it is: Britain’s most pampered think tank that rarely thinks and barely tanks. It’s less Westminster, more Westin Hotel with parliamentary curtains. They say they offer “wisdom” and “experience,” but what good is wisdom that only appears twice a year, wrapped in ermine and confusion?
Legislative ghosting is apparently a feature, not a bug. There are lords with more holiday snaps than voting records. Peers who haven’t spoken in years but still wield more power than your elected MP. If this is “public service,” then I’m the Archbishop of Netflix.
🧾 New Rules for the Realm — Or at Least a Timesheet
Time to introduce radical, scary concepts like minimum effort and doing your job. If we’re going to keep this chamber, here’s a revolutionary idea: let’s run it like an actual job.
- Minimum Attendance or You’re Out
Show up fewer than 20 days? Bye. You wouldn’t keep your dentist if they ghosted you for 11 months. - Job Descriptions That Include… a Job
No more vibes-based legislating. Lords should have defined roles, measurable responsibilities, and performance reviews. If your only contribution is absorbing red wine and oxygen, it’s time to retire. - Fixed Terms, Not Aristocratic Eternity
10 years max. You don’t need to die at the despatch box to serve your country. - Allowance for Actual Work
Signing in isn’t work. Work is debate, reading, speaking, thinking, showing signs of life. Preferably all four. - Replace the No-Shows with People Who Give a Damn
Give their seats to community leaders, scientists, teachers, nurses, even that guy at Greggs who remembers your order. Anyone willing to turn up five days in a row is already overqualified.
🔥 Challenges 🔥
How long are we going to pretend this is fine? That people who legislate your life can barely be bothered to show up to their own? This isn’t just outdated—it’s outrageous. Comment on the blog with your fixes, your fury, your funniest roast. Let’s light up this dusty chamber with the power of public sarcasm. 💬🔥
👇 Slam that comment button. Drop a like. Share it with someone who’s been to work more than three times this year (i.e., not a Lord).
The best burns will be featured in the next issue of our magazine. 🧨📝
Chameleon Magazine 
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