Evri—yes, that Evri, the delivery company whose greatest success is in losing your stuff—has outdone itself. Not in service. Not in speed. But in self-congratulation. After being ranked dead last in Ofcom’s parcel company league table for the third year running, it just handed itself a £100 million dividend. Because in Britain, failure isn’t punished—it’s invoiced.
🚚 Evri Late, Evri Lost, Evri Rich
💥Evri’s business model appears to be:
- Promise delivery.
- Don’t deliver.
- Profit anyway.
Seriously, Ofcom’s report reads like a roast: lost packages, missed time slots, ignored complaints, and a customer service line that might as well be answered by a Magic 8 Ball. And yet—£100 million. That’s not a bonus, that’s hush money from the gods of corporate dysfunction.
If this is how failure is rewarded, most of us should be billionaires by now. Missed your deadlines? Here’s a yacht. Sent your boss a blank email? Congratulations, you’re regional manager. Left someone’s new phone in a hedge and marked it “handed to resident”? BOOM—seven-figure payday.
Evri’s motto should be: “Delivering disappointment—on time or not at all.” And somehow, their shareholders looked at this flaming clown parcel van and said, “You know what this needs? More champagne.”
So remember, next time your parcel is “out for delivery” for five days and ends up in a completely different county—someone got paid a fortune for that chaos. Cheers. 🥂📬
📣 Challenges 📣
How many broken promises does it take to make £100 million? Why do companies keep winning while customers keep losing? Ever had an Evri experience worthy of a Greek tragedy? We want to hear the full rant. Go full keyboard warrior. 🧵⚡
👇 COMMENT with your worst delivery disaster. LIKE if you think Evri should deliver apologies. SHARE if you think failure shouldn’t come with a bonus.
The most outrageous tales and savage burns will be featured in the next issue of the magazine. 🛠️🔥
Chameleon Magazine 
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