When governments fail to act on climate change, it’s not just the polar bears who suffer—apparently, raccoons are hitting the bottle too. One emotionally shattered trash panda was found blackout drunk in a liquor store after spending the night on a solo bender. The cause? Existential dread, political disillusionment, and maybe the end of the world.
🛢️ Blacked Out and Let Down: A Furry Fallout Tale
Store staff thought they’d been burgled. Broken bottles, toppled shelves, and the stench of spilled vodka. But no—it was just one climate-anxious raccoon who decided to anesthetize himself with gin and self-pity.
According to his long-suffering female partner (who spoke anonymously because she’s “tired of being strong for both of them”), the raccoon spiraled after the latest COP summit concluded with more selfies than solutions.
“He just kept watching Greta clips and muttering, ‘They’re all frauds’ before disappearing into the recycling bins,” she said.
And sure, maybe he didn’t need to demolish half the tequila aisle. But honestly? Can you blame him? Every year we hear the same promises from greenwashed governments, while temperatures rise, forests burn, and animals like this brave raccoon are left to process planetary collapse through fermented grain therapy. 🥃🌍
Let’s not vilify the raccoon. Let’s vilify the real culprits: performative politicians, fossil fuel lobbyists, and that one smug guy who drives a hybrid but still eats steak five times a week and flies to Bali to “find himself.”
When raccoons are reaching for vodka and despair, what does that say about the state of climate leadership? Are you still clinging to hope, or are you raiding the liquor cabinet too? Drop your rage, your satire, your survival tips in the blog comments. Let’s toast to collapse—or claw our way back. 🦝🔥
👇 Hit comment, hit like, hit share. Raccoons deserve rehab and justice.
The most feral responses will be featured in the next issue of the magazine. 🎯📢
Chameleon Magazine 
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