Thomas Tuchel reckons England are “hungry”—which is rich, considering they’re already full of pre-baked excuses. Yes, before a single ball is kicked, we’re neck-deep in the same soggy narrative soufflé: “It’s a tough draw,” “Group of death,” “The rivals are awkward,” and the perennial favourite—“It’s coming home (but only if VAR behaves and no one sneezes wrong).”
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Excuse Season: Kicked Off Before the Ball Is
England at a tournament is like a celebrity doing press before a flop movie—full of hype, dripping in nervous caveats. “We’re hungry,” they say. For what? Redemption? Or just a solid justification for why a £1 billion squad got outplayed by a nation with three professional football pitches and a goat herder as assistant coach?
It’s almost impressive how quickly the excuses roll in.
Did someone schedule a “Blame Rehearsal” at St. George’s Park?
Are there PowerPoint slides titled: “If We Lose to Denmark: Blame the Pitch”?
If football is war, England arrives armed with soft excuses and a printed menu of ‘what ifs.’
And let’s be honest—Tuchel’s “hungry” comment feels more like a PR nibble than a battle cry. Hunger doesn’t win matches. Hunger doesn’t fix a midfield that collapses under pressure. Hunger doesn’t stop Gareth Southgate from swapping formation mid-match like he’s blindfolded playing Football Manager on mushrooms.
Maybe, just maybe, they should try playing the football first.
Score goals. Win games. THEN tell us about your metaphorical stomach.
Because right now, England’s hunger sounds a lot like indigestion. 🫃⚽️💬
🔥 Challenges 🔥
Are England hungry… or just full of it? Is this the year the lions roar—or whimper out with “what-ifs” and “what-about-isms”? Drop your predictions, your preemptive rants, or your tactical breakdowns in the comments on the blog (not just the doom-scrolling dungeons of Facebook). 🎤💣
👇 Hit that comment button, like it, share it, or tattoo it on a mate’s back.
The spiciest takes will be featured in the next issue of our no-nonsense magazine. 🧨✍️
Chameleon Magazine 
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