🍽️🚔👑Forget cold gruel and bread crusts—Pentonville Prison in London has apparently reinvented itself as a luxury gastro-retreat for the criminally inclined. Word on the cellblock is that the menu’s gone from “slop in a tray” to Michelin star chic, and frankly, the North isn’t having it. Because nothing screams “justice system” quite like a three-course meal for a man who mugged a gran.
🍷 Con Air meets Come Dine With Me – Welcome to Pentonville Platinum
Yes, while struggling families in Newcastle are splitting tins of spaghetti hoops, convicted felons in London are apparently tucking into meals that would make Gordon Ramsay blush. Roasted root veg, artisan sauces, “seasonally inspired” entrees—what’s next, wine pairings and sourdough on visitation days?
It’s not just tone-deaf. It’s culinary cosplay at taxpayer expense.
Meanwhile, up North, prisons are still serving meals that look like they’ve been scraped off a shoe and microwaved into oblivion. But don’t worry—if you want the royal treatment, all you need is a London postcode and a little light crime.
The North, predictably, is furious. Not just because it’s unfair, but because it confirms what everyone already suspects: if you’re going to be poor or criminal in Britain, you’d better do it in London—they’ll feed you better in prison than the NHS does in hospitals.
And here’s the moral of this justice-joke-gone-culinary: Reform? Nope. Rehabilitation? Not really. Just reward the location—and maybe toss in a side of foie gras.
Why are prisoners in London dining better than people on Universal Credit? Why is there a postcode lottery even behind bars?
Vent your outrage or defend the fine dining felons—either way, we want your unfiltered thoughts in the blog comments. 🍛💬
👇 Comment below, share with a mate in Manchester, and like if you think prison food shouldn’t come with garnish.
The best roasts (pun intended) will feature in the next issue. 📝🔥
Chameleon Magazine 
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