Chameleon Magazine

NHS surgeons stand ready… to do nothing, as operating theatres gather dust and patients gather cobwebs.

🧼 Surgical Theatre of the Absurd

Imagine you’re a top-tier NHS surgeon. You’ve trained for over a decade, scrubbed in, gloves on, ready to save lives—and your grand mission for the day? Watching the walls of a closed operating theatre while someone in admin tries to locate a hospital bed like it’s the last golden ticket to Willy Wonka’s ICU. 🍫🚑

Almost half of all NHS surgeons are operating once a week or less. Not because they’re lazy. Not because they’re on strike (yet). But because our hospitals are playing an elaborate game of medical musical chairs—with no chairs, no music, and definitely no surgery.

Eighty percent of consultant surgeons are stuck with just two or fewer planned surgeries a week. That’s barely enough to qualify as a hobby, let alone a full-time job. But sure, let’s continue blaming doctors for the waiting lists that now resemble Glastonbury ticket queues with fewer portaloos and more morphine. 🙄

The Royal College of Surgeons says it’s now “near impossible” for the government to hit its targets without major investment. And by “investment,” they don’t mean thoughts, prayers, and vague LinkedIn statements. They mean actual beds. Space. People. Systems that don’t crash harder than a Windows 95 update during a cardiac arrest.

Meanwhile, the BMA is juggling a five-day strike, flu cases are piling up like an Amazon returns warehouse, and the Health Secretary is busy playing political Jenga with lives. Pay, training, reform—it’s all there on the wishlist. But so far, we’ve got a surgically precise mess.

🔥 Challenges 🔥

How long can this farce continue before the NHS stops standing for “No Hope of Surgery”? Do we need a national fundraiser for beds, or just a hotline to rent private operating theatres by the hour? Vent your frustration, your sarcasm, your horror stories—we’re all ears (and several years deep on a waiting list).

👇 Drop your diagnosis in the comments, not just on Facebook.

Like. Share. Tag a mate still waiting for that “routine” op from 2021. 😬

The best responses get featured in the next magazine issue. Scalpel-sharp wit encouraged. 🗣️💉