More than 7 million patients faced month-long GP delays this autumn. The prognosis? Terminal bureaucracy, wrapped in an invisibility cloak and buried under Platform 9¾.
🧑⚕️✨ The Case of the Vanishing GP: Brought to You by Hogwarts Healthcare Trust™
No, you’re not being ghosted by your GP — they’ve just been sorted into Hufflepuff and sent on an extended sabbatical via time-turner. Apparently, your next medical appointment will arrive on a hippogriff sometime in 2026.
This isn’t healthcare — it’s healthcare theatre, starring a cast of missing doctors, vanishing promises, and Labour’s uncanny ability to turn national despair into a stage production. It’s “St. Mungo’s on Strike” meets Casualty: The Pantomime Edition.
The spell Labour cast? “Accio Confusion!”
Because while the public gasps for breath and refreshes their patient portal for the 82nd time, the only thing arriving fast is the growing list of people waiting to be seen. Seven million strong — enough to form a very unwell Quidditch league.
- Want a check-up? Ask the Sorting Hat.
- Want results? Wave your wand and whisper “expelliarmus bureaucracy.”
- Want to live? Better start home-schooling yourself in DIY medicine.
They said they’d fix the NHS. What they meant was they’d magically disappear it, then blame the owls for the delivery delay.
🩺 Challenges 🩺
Are we really still pretending this is functional? Is “waiting 4-6 weeks for help” the new national hobby? Let’s hear from you — the sick, the snubbed, the spellbound. Tell us how your GP experience compares to a Triwizard Tournament. 🧪🗯️
👇 COMMENT your wildest GP wait tales — were you diagnosed by moonlight? Healed by memes? Or just gave up and let WebMD break your spirit?
The sharpest stories and sarcastic spells will be featured in our next issue. 🧙♀️📖
Chameleon Magazine 
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