It’s official: Westminster isn’t just crumbling—it’s gravitationally collapsing into itself. Engineers have apparently discovered a new kind of black hole, not in deep space, but on the banks of the Thames, where renovation estimates start at £40 billion and conveniently forget to mention the “+£60 billion contingency for surprise asbestos and medieval rodents.”
🧱 Demolish or Polish? Why We’re Rebuilding a Fossil with Fossil Fuels
Let’s get this straight: the place needs so much work, it should qualify for a care home spot next to retired Victorian plumbing systems and haunted fireplaces. Yet here comes Ed the Red, windmill crusader and solar salesman, trying to flog heat pumps to a nation where “sunlight” is a rumour spread by English Heritage pamphlets. ☁️🔋
Five days of guaranteed sunshine per year—and we’re being told to slap solar panels on every shed like it’s Ibiza. Meanwhile, we’re preparing to spend up to £100 billion to restore a gothic stone air fryer with a carbon footprint that could melt the polar caps faster than Boris Johnson’s morals on a Zoom call.
And no, Ed won’t mention the environmental elephant in the room—because the House of Commons is the elephant. You wouldn’t spend that kind of cash on your gran’s 12th-century conservatory, so why are we doing it for a building where half the tenants think net zero is a trendy new lager?
Even the wildlife has squatter’s rights. Mice, bats, and rats have made themselves comfortable in the walls, the carpets, and probably the cabinet. Do we have a plan to rehome them? Of course not—they’re better protected than tenants under UK housing law.
Turn it into a tourist trap. Sell tickets. Let people wander through the ruins with VR goggles and a guidebook explaining the ancient art of corruption. Give the rodents a plaque. At least then, someone gets value for money.
🔥 Challenges 🔥
Should we really sink £100 billion into a gothic compost heap while public services collapse and the climate warms faster than the PM’s seat? Want to save money and the planet? Maybe start by mothballing the most expensive rat hotel in Britain. 🐁💸
Chameleon Magazine 
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