Chameleon Magazine

I thought I had a plan. Not a perfect one, but enough to keep the illusion going. Then I got punched in the gut by the universe—disguised as a hospital admission and a diagnosis I never saw coming.

Turns out I had Hepatitis C. From an operation 30 years ago. Thirty bloody years. Just sitting there quietly in my body, waiting to screw up my plans.

Stop Overplanning. Start Paying Attention.

Here’s the thing: life is too damn short to spend it obsessing over what you want. I used to treat life like a strategy game—set goals, make moves, avoid surprises. But it doesn’t work like that. Life doesn’t give a shit about your five-year plan.

When I got that diagnosis, my future—whatever I thought it was—evaporated overnight. Everything I thought I wanted suddenly didn’t matter. I had to deal with what was, not what I wished would be.

And that’s the real shift: from chasing clarity to just being honest about where you are, right now.

Wanting Is a Distraction

We’re sold this idea that figuring out what you want is the holy grail. But honestly? Wanting is just another way to avoid doing. It’s like mental masturbation—feels productive, gets you nowhere.

You don’t need to know what you want. You need to know what matters now. Your health. Your relationships. Your ability to feel something real today. Not some imaginary goalpost you might hit if everything goes right.

Chaos Isn’t the Enemy—It’s the Map

Getting sick didn’t just wreck my plans—it forced me to stop pretending I had control. And weirdly, that gave me more freedom than any plan ever did. I started asking better questions: “What can I do today?” “What feels true?” “Who do I want to be if there’s no perfect outcome?”

Turns out, not knowing what you want can be the best thing to happen to you. Because then you stop bullshitting yourself. You stop chasing things you don’t need. You start living like time actually matters.

What I Wish I Knew

If I could go back, I’d tell myself this:
Stop trying to plan your way out of uncertainty. Let the chaos in. Let it fuck up your plans. That’s where the real clarity hides.

So here’s your move: 

Stop asking “What do I want?” and start asking “What’s real right now?” Then do something with it. Even if it’s small. Even if it’s messy. Life’s already happening—don’t sit it out waiting for a perfect plan.