Chameleon Magazine

If Keir Starmer ever leaves politics, there’s one career he should avoid at all costs: recruitment. The man has turned No 10 into Britain’s most expensive revolving door, burning through senior aides faster than a dodgy agency on the high street.

First it was Sue Gray, hyped as the fixer who would steady the ship. Then Matthew Doyle, the comms wizard who supposedly had the PM’s back. Now Nin Pandit, his hand-picked private secretary, is being shuffled off the board after less than a year. Each time it’s the same pattern: big announcement, glowing CV, followed by whispers of incompetence and a quiet exit.

The cruel irony? He picked them. Every single one. These weren’t strangers foisted on him by chance. Starmer brought them in, praised their skills, and held them up as proof of his leadership. Now, like a manager who can’t stop hiring “perfect candidates” off LinkedIn, he’s left with a pile of discarded CVs and a growing reputation for indecision.

Critics say this shows a pattern of hostility toward senior women in No 10, but it also exposes something deeper: a hopelessness at judging people’s strengths and building a team that lasts. Leadership isn’t just about policy — it’s about knowing who you can trust to stand beside you when the storm hits. And if Starmer can’t manage that in his own office, how on earth is he meant to manage the country?

For a man who sold himself on “forensic judgement,” his people skills look about as sharp as a blunt biro.

Tips for Sir Kier Stammer’s Next Recruitment Drive

1. Check for a pulse.

That’s the new gold standard in No 10. Brains optional, loyalty negotiable.

2. Run the CV through ChatGPT.

If it looks impressive in AI-generated buzzwords (“dynamic innovator in stakeholder optimisation”), hire immediately. Sack later.

3. Ask: “Will the wife like them?”

Because clearly spousal approval is the only HR filter left in Downing Street.

4. Make sure they look good in the resignation photo.

Most aides don’t last long enough to matter in meetings, but their exit shot will be in The Guardian.

5. Pick someone who can take a briefing — about themselves.

If they cry when anonymous sources call them “useless,” they’re not cut out for Starmer’s team.

6. Prior experience? Not required.

Just make sure they can smile while being thrown under the bus.

7. Diversity box-ticking is fine — as long as the box is ticked in pencil.

Easy to rub out once you’ve “moved them sideways.”

8. Test their endurance.

Not for policy battles, but for how long they can last on the Downing Street merry-go- round without vomiting.

9. Forget competence — hire for deniability.

The real skill is being someone the PM can blame when the headlines go bad.

10. Remember: the shorter the shelf life, the safer the pick.

Because nothing screams stability like a government office that changes staff more often  than Wetherspoons changes menus.