Chameleon Magazine

So here we are — Apple’s “best ever” phone, now priced at the kind of figure that used to buy you a car. £2,000 for a handset. Don’t worry though, you can always pop down to the bank, release a little equity from your house, and join the 87% of the population who now essentially live inside their phones. Who needs four walls when you’ve got a glass slab?

Why pay £1,000 for a 50-inch television when you could be huddled with the family around a glorious 6.3-inch screen, desperately trying to stream your Christmas favourites while Uncle Dave squints at subtitles the size of ants? Forget cinema — this is micro-cinema.

And yes, the new display hits a dazzling 3,000 nits of peak brightness. That’s not a screen anymore, that’s a lighthouse. Handy if you ever get stuck in a cave, or perhaps want to single-handedly relight Orion’s Belt. Astronomers beware — the iPhone 17 is about to outshine half the galaxy.

For those worried about carrying their £2,000 gadget through the streets of London, Apple has kindly introduced a fashion accessory: the slinky new shoulder strap. Think “luxury handbag,” except it screams “rob me” even louder. Unless, of course, Apple quietly makes it slash-proof — because most muggers don’t bother with Face ID, they just prefer sharp steel.

And don’t even think about rotating your phone for that perfect landscape shot. Apple has solved that exhausting task. Press the button and — voilà — a team of invisible workers bursts out, rearranging the scenery for you. Because lifting a phone half an inch sideways is so last decade.

Apple’s Philosophy: Because You’re Gullible

Tim Cook doesn’t even need to sell features anymore. The pitch is simple: “This is the most advanced iPhone ever.” Of course it is, Tim—it’s the latest one. That’s how time works. Next year you’ll say the same thing again while people trade in their kidney for the iPhone 18: Now With Extra Camera Holes™.

And don’t get me started on “durability.” Drop it once, and it shatters faster than a Tory promise. Meanwhile, the £20 Nokia from 2003 is still surviving wars, floods, and the apocalypse.