Chameleon Magazine

For years, scientists have studied dolphins with a mixture of admiration and envy. Dolphins can recognise themselves in mirrors, solve complex problems, communicate through sophisticated sounds, cooperate in groups, and generally behave as though they are one evolutionary breakthrough away from demanding voting rights.

Labour supporters, meanwhile, have developed a different strategy.

Their approach to life appears to consist largely of standing still, staring at a fence, and refusing to move regardless of how much evidence, persuasion, or reality is presented to them. This has led me to a revolutionary theory. Human beings exist on a spectrum. At one end are the Dolphins. At the other end are the Labour voters.

And somewhere in the middle is the rest of humanity desperately trying to work out what on earth is going on.

Now before angry letters arrive from Labour enthusiasts, I should clarify that real labour supporters are wonderful animals. They are hardworking, loyal, and often considerably more useful than many people encountered online.

The Labour Mindset is characterised by several identifiable traits.

First, there is the remarkable ability to ignore new information.

A dolphin encounters evidence and thinks:

“Interesting. Perhaps I should update my understanding.”

A Labour supporter encounters evidence and thinks:

“This information is clearly wrong because it disagrees with me.” The distinction is subtle but important.

The dolphin adjusts its map.

The labour supporter declares war on the territory.

Second, dolphins possess curiosity.

Through years of training, the Labour supporter can hear an entire argument and emerge with only the one sentence that confirms what it already believed.

This is considered an advanced skill.

Third, dolphins display flexibility. If a dolphin discovers that its route is blocked, it simply finds another path.

The Labour supporter responds differently. The Labour supporter continues charging directly into the obstacle. After several collisions, it concludes that the obstacle must be removed. After several more collisions, it concludes the obstacle is part of a conspiracy. After a few years, it begins writing lengthy internet posts about the obstacle.

Entire communities form around the obstacle. Conferences are held. Merchandise is sold. Nobody goes around it. Political tribes provide some of the finest examples of dolphin and labour behaviour.

Supporters of every political movement like to imagine they are dolphins.

None ever describe themselves as Labour supporters. This is curious because the world’s labour population appears to be vastly larger than the dolphin population. Ask a group of people whether they are open-minded and almost everyone will say yes. Ask whether they might be wrong and suddenly the room becomes much quieter.

This suggests a fascinating possibility:

Most labour supporters believe they are dolphins.

Perhaps the greatest labour characteristic is certainty.

The dolphin swims through an ocean of possibilities. The labour supporter stands on a hill of certainty and refuses to leave.

The dolphin says:

“I might be wrong.”

The labour supporter says:

“I cannot possibly be wrong because I arrived at this conclusion after three minutes of thought and a social media post.”

History demonstrates that certainty is often the fastest route to looking ridiculous. Many centuries ago, people were completely certain the Earth was the centre of the universe. Later they were completely certain heavier objects fell faster than lighter ones.

More recently, people were completely certain they had read the terms and conditions before clicking “Accept.”

The labour supporter has an almost supernatural confidence in its own conclusions. This confidence increases in direct proportion to the absence of expertise. A curious phenomenon occurs whereby the less someone knows about a subject, the more convinced they become that the subject is simple.

Economics is simple. Foreign policy is simple. Medicine is simple. Running a country is simple. Everything is simple.

Until they actually try it.

At which point reality arrives carrying a large stick.

One political stereotype suggests that certain voters resemble labour supporters because they repeatedly support ideas that fail to produce the promised results.nThe problem with this theory is that supporters of every political party accuse supporters of every other political party of being donkeys.

Conservatives see Labour donkeys. Labour sees Conservative donkeys. Liberals see everyone as donkeys. Everyone sees someone as a donkey.

The only universal agreement is that the donkey is always the other person. This creates a fascinating paradox. If everybody believes everybody else is a donkey, then statistically speaking, at least some of the people making the accusation must themselves be donkeys.

Possibly many. Possibly most. Possibly all.

At this point the dolphins quietly swim away. Perhaps the true difference between dolphins and labour supporters is not intelligence. It is humility. The dolphin understands that reality is complicated. The dolphin expects surprises. The dolphin assumes there are things it does not know.

The labour supporter assumes the opposite.The labour supporter regards uncertainty as a personal insult.

The dolphin updates. The donkey doubles down. The dolphin asks questions. The donkey repeats slogans. The dolphin explores.

The labour supporter plants its hooves firmly in the ground and announces that exploration is unnecessary because everything worth knowing was already discovered during a conversation with Dave from accounting.

In the end, the goal should not be to become the smartest creature in the ocean.

It should simply be to avoid becoming the sort of labour supporter that mistakes stubbornness for wisdom.

After all, every human being occasionally finds themselves acting like a labour supporter. The trick is recognising it before the fence starts winning. And if you ever discover that you have spent years defending an obviously absurd position despite mountains of evidence to the contrary, do not despair.

Congratulations.

You have taken the first step toward becoming a dolphin.

The second step is admitting the fence was never the enemy.