There are some mistakes a man makes only once.
Walking into the wrong toilet. Sitting in somebody else’s reserved seat. Asking his wife if she is “in a mood.”
And now, apparently, wandering innocently into a Menopause Café in Glasgow while merely searching for a quiet coffee.
To be clear, this is a real thing. Menopause Café events are being held at The Nook in Glasgow, described by organisers as informal gatherings where people can discuss menopause, share experiences and break down the taboo surrounding it. The next Glasgow event listed is on 19 October.
All perfectly sensible.
But this article is not for the women attending.
This is a public safety announcement for men.
The Most Dangerous Coffee Break in Glasgow
Picture the scene.
You have left the house because your wife has been behaving slightly strangely. Nothing dramatic, obviously. You value your life far too highly to describe it as dramatic.
Perhaps the heating has inexplicably been turned down to minus four because she is “boiling.”
Perhaps five minutes later you have been ordered to put it back on because she is “freezing.”
Perhaps you have committed some terrible marital offence such as breathing too loudly, loading the dishwasher incorrectly or asking the suicidal question:
“What’s wrong?”
You therefore make the entirely reasonable decision to go for a walk.
Fresh air. Peace. Perspective.
You spot a café.
Wonderful.
You walk inside, order a coffee from a woman who appears to be looking at you as though you personally invented hormones, and sit down.
Then you look up.
Twenty women are staring at you.
There is a silence.
Not an ordinary silence either.
The sort of silence normally experienced immediately before a judge passes sentence.
At this point, gentlemen, certain survival instincts should activate.
Do not ask whether there is a football match on.
Do not complain that the room is too warm.
Under absolutely no circumstances say:
“My wife is going through this. I don’t know what all the fuss is about.”
You will not require your coffee.
You will require an extraction team.
The Menopause Café itself is actually intended as a relaxed discussion space, with no formal agenda and an emphasis on conversation and support. Which makes perfect sense, because menopause can affect sleep, mood, temperature regulation, concentration and countless other areas of life.
But there is something magnificently British about dealing with one of the great hormonal upheavals of human existence by adding tea and cake.
Other countries might establish clinics.
Britain gets the kettle on.
Still, from a male perspective, there ought perhaps to be additional signage.
Not because men should be excluded. Quite the opposite. Men understanding menopause is probably an excellent idea.
But there is a substantial difference between deliberately attending because you want to learn something and accidentally wandering in because you fancied a latte.
The latter situation requires warning lights.
Ideally something on the door saying:
“MENOPAUSE CAFÉ TODAY.
MEN WELCOME.
SMART REMARKS ARE NOT.”
Because somewhere in Glasgow there will eventually be a completely unsuspecting husband who walks through that door after telling his wife he was “just popping out for half an hour.”
He will order an Americano.
He will sit down.
He will listen to ten minutes of conversation.
And suddenly, for the first time in thirty years of marriage, several things will begin to make sense.
He may even return home wiser.
Which could be the biggest danger of all.
His wife will ask where he has been.
And he will make the final mistake.
“I was at the Menopause Café. I understand you now.”
At which point absolutely nobody can save him.
🔥 Challenges: Would a Menopause Café genuinely help men understand what their partners are experiencing, or should the sensible husband simply recognise the sign on the door, quietly reverse out and find the nearest Costa? Tell us what you think on the Chameleon News blog.
Comment, like and share — particularly with the man who still thinks a hot flush means somebody forgot to open a window.
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