Chameleon Magazine

I think I’ve done it.

I’ve finally come up with a business idea so brilliant that it can only fail for legal reasons.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present…

Adopt a Wild Haggis.

Not the food.

The actual furry haggis that roam the Scottish Highlands.

If you’ve never seen one, that’s because they’re incredibly shy. They spend most of their lives running around mountains, carefully avoiding tourists, photographers and, coincidentally, anyone carrying a frying pan.

Here’s the business model.

For a modest monthly subscription, people—preferably Americans with disposable income and a soft spot for Scottish things—can adopt their very own wild haggis.

Each adopter receives:

• An official adoption certificate.

• A photograph of their haggis.

• A name of their choosing.

• Quarterly updates on how it’s getting on.

“Hamish has had another successful breeding season and was recently spotted outrunning a sheep.”

Premium members receive exclusive photographs.

Very premium members receive photographs where the haggis is almost in focus.

For our Platinum package, we’ll even send a map showing the rough location of your haggis.

Approximately.

Within fifty miles.

Obviously, we don’t want people disturbing them in the wild.

The conservation angle is important.

Every penny goes towards protecting the fragile haggis population, ensuring they continue running around Scottish hillsides for generations to come.

Exactly what we’re protecting them from remains under discussion.

Probably foxes.

Or tourists asking where the nearest whisky distillery is.

Of course, every conservation project needs volunteers.

This is where you come in.

For the tiny investment of just £20, you can become a founding partner in the company.

You’ll receive absolutely no shares, no voting rights and no financial guarantees whatsoever.

What you will receive is the warm feeling of knowing you were there at the beginning of one of history’s greatest business ventures.

People laughed at the inventor of the pet rock.

People laughed at bottled water.

People laughed at paying monthly to watch television programmes with adverts.

Who’s laughing now?

If this works, we’ll expand.

Adopt a Left-Handed Haggis.

Adopt a Highland Albino Haggis.

GPS-tracked Haggis Premium.

The Family Haggis Bundle.

Corporate sponsorships.

“This month’s Haggis Migration Report is proudly sponsored by a company that makes oatcakes.”

And before long, we’ll be standing on a stage collecting Entrepreneur of the Year awards while thousands of adopted haggis continue living exactly as they always have, blissfully unaware that they’re generating recurring revenue.

Now then…

Who’s got £20?